Springing Forward from Softboys

On losing an hour, lexical gaps, and letting your partner be their own oasis

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Hi Gorgeous Gems, 

Liza here again. Did daylight savings rock you to your core? Me too. It’s an hour... why does it always mess me up so much? Anyways.

Have you ever heard of a lexical gap? It’s a word that exists in some languages, but not in others. A good example is that in English, we have a word for if you lose your spouse (widow/widower) or if you lose your parents (orphan), but not for a parent who loses their child. This week on the pod, I resurrected a very-six-years-ago term “softboy” that I would argue fills a critical lexical gap in the English Language. Let’s get this sucker back into circulaysh. 

READY CLASS?

(Puts on glasses, cardigan, picks up chalk.)

A fuckboy* is a guy you’re sleeping with who claims he is “bad at relationships,” evades all feelings-talk, and makes you feel special in order to sleep with you. The proverbial sender of the “u up?” text. He will get you strung out on the D and then not commit to you.**

A softboy* is a guy you’re sleeping with who claims he is “just too fucked up to be in a relationship right now, especially because I respect you so much and you deserve better than me and….” He will tell you his feelings, sort of listen to yours, make you think you can make him better if you just try hard enough. It will feel like a relationship, in a lot of ways. He will get you strung out on the emotional intimacy, and he will also never commit to you.** 

*NOTE: Men, women, and non-binary people can all be fuckboys and softboys. We’re using the masculine here because that’s what we do in this patriarchal language we call English. Plz see mailman, businessman, etc. I’ve been a softboy. Can confirm from the inside that it’s gross. 

**NOTE 2: If two consenting people are fuckboys/softboys, go for it. Congratulations! You found someone who wants the same thing you do, and that’s what dating is all about. Not everyone wants a committed relationship, and that is very much fine. 

OKAY CLASS DISMISSED.

Now we’re in the hallway, let’s talk shit. 

I hate softboyism. I really, really do. And I’m going to be particularly heteronormative here, because in general what we hear about from listeners is examples of men being the softboy, and women being the... what’s the right word for the person who the softboy is softboy-ing? (Lexical gap, anyone?!)

I feel like softboys take advantage of what I love most about women: our empathy. Most of the women I know are great listeners, and very empathetic, albeit in very different ways. Most of the women I know genuinely care about everyone who comes across their path. Women are fucking great, and I love them so much (SHOUTOUT TO ALL MY FRIENDS HAIIII OMG SORRY I TALK SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR LISTENING 2 ME). I think so many men crave emotional intimacy, but see it as a one way street. They want to have sex, be held, be listened to deeply, and be seen — which, of course, most of us want; they are very human wants. But softboys stop short at wanting to be that kind of presence for others. Almost every woman I know has had a softboy experience. 

Isn’t that insane? Are men okay? No, they are not. Men do this for a reason. Because they are taught from a young age that being vulnerable is bad, they can’t talk about their feelings with their male friends, and they can’t ask for help when they need it, basically leaving them in an emotional desert where women are the oasis, which puts a LOT of pressure on us. OK, rant over. Smash the patriarchy; it’s bad for everyone.

So how do we spring forward (sry, couldn’t help myself) from softboyism? It’s not going to be easy, because it requires us doing the thing that, for me, is hardest on earth: being straightforward and uncompromising with what we want and need.

We have to gut check the impulse to try and fix anyone or help them grow. If it’s about little things, sure (e.g. they’re messy). Even medium things (e.g. they’re a workaholic or they have problems with anxiety). But never think you can “fix” the fact that someone cares more about themselves than anyone else. Ya can’t. 

If you have a softboy in your life (of any gender), then please let us know. We love you and support you and we know you deserve something more in line with your relationship wants and needs. If you’ve had one in your past, also let us know because they’re really, really fun to vent about. 

Love you gems, and NOW IT’S TIME FORRRRR: 

Consumption Corner

We’re sorry this isn’t more revolutionary. We are le tired of content.

The Flight Attendant —  Yes, we talked about this show again, and how interestingly it handles alcoholism.

Nomadland — On Hulu! Female-directed!

Minari — Another one of Kimmy’s aspirational picks that she will be renting this weekend.

Judas and the Black Messiah — HARD 2 FIND ON STREAMING RIGHT NOW, but may be back soon? 

Crip Camp — Intense doc

Made You Look — Less intense doc

Allen v. Farrow — Incredibly intense and difficult to watch doc

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