Hello dear gems!
Thank you for subscribing to this newsletter about dating, feeling, and more feelings. Today, we’re going to talk all about ~aNxIeTy~, a feeling (state? being? personality?) that I, Kimmy, am super tight with.
But first… how are you, sweet angels? I hope you are all doing well beyond your wildest pandemic dreams. TBH, I’m (unfortunately) being that person who asks you how you are doing, because, well, I really want to tell you how I’m doing. (Yes, feel free to avoid me in the halls if we ever work in the same office.)
I am, in fact, not doing so hot. (Tysm in advance for indulging me.) I struggled with some light, 5:00 A.M.-until-my-alarm-rang insomnia last night, and I just cannot seem to set myself straight. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic, the dairy, or the fact that I socialized a tiny bit more than normal this past weekend, but boy do I feel… unlike myself. (*Who can relate?!*)
I feel like I’m stuck in one of those unnecessary Golden Globes Zoom breakout rooms they forced the nominees to participate in, only it’s me and my anxiety politely smiling, feeling nervous, and trying to keep it together
Since I am not paying you, I will not turn this into a therapy session. However, I do want to dive into how to accept/deal with/manage/think about anxiety when it comes to love, lust, dating, feeling, etc.
ANXIETEAM
First, let’s be clear… anxiety is a lil b*tch. She loves to creep up on you, hover somewhere in your midst, and make you feel like you’re not the très cool human person you know you are deep in your loins. (Love to say “loins.”)
And she is COMING for me lately. In the era of Zoom meetings, Zoom happy hours, and Zoom weddings, even the smallest human interaction IRL can send me into a panic. I’m talking “turns into an inarticulate pile of mush at the deli counter”-panic. After months of shopping in grocery stores and not asking anyone for anything for fear of exchanging droplets, I forgot how to ask for sliced turkey at a deli counter. “Is it in pounds or ounces? Do I take one of those little tickets? Who run the world?” (Not this girl.)
It’s gotten to the point where I do sometimes feel like my BF thinks that “anxiety” is a defining characteristic and/or personality trait of mine (gross). But it’s not about him, it’s about me!!! And the truth is, I, too, have not been enjoying the frequency I have been vibrating at — it’s exhausting.
But now, let me critique my own characterization of anxiety as something that needs to be “dealt with” or “pushed back” against. While of course, anxiety is something to manage with the help of professionals and/or loved ones and some anxiety can be mentally debilitating, having some anxiety is pretty darn normal. Anxiety is not all bad. It keeps you safe! It keeps you honest! It keeps you from embarrassing yourself by being too full of yourself! It keeps you… feeling!
I also cannot continue to act like my own anxiety is completely out of my control. (Again, this is specific to my own, personal anxiety, as many peoples’ anxiety is chemically out of their control.) When I really think about it, there are so many people on the internet telling me exactly what to do — meditate, turn off screens, practice gratitude, etc., etc. — and yet I continue to sort of… relish?!… in my anxiety. It’s familiar, it’s habitual, it’s… kind of soothing? (Goddamnit, Kimmy.)
Which brings me to…
DATING WITH ANXIETY
Meeting a stranger at a bar, meeting a stranger on FaceTime, meeting a stranger at a party, saying something cheeky… these are all spooky, vulnerable, nerve-wracking things to do. They are especially scary if you feel anxiety around rejection, love, and really, any part of life. (So, all of us.)
There is nothing scarier to me than the moment of walking into a bar or restaurant to meet a first date. “Will he be there before me? Will I recognize him? Will he recognize me? Is this door a pull or a push and will he forgive me if I mess it up? Is that sweat coming out of my armpits in the dead of February?”
But now, I almost long for one of these rushes from the “before times” when dating and flirting and loving IRL was normal and CDC-approved, anxiety and all. Holding eye contact with a cutie on the train, mustering up the confidence to say something mildly flirty thing to a dude who will inevitably end up hitting on my friend, bringing up the “what are we?” talk… the anxiety of dating reminds me that there is sometimes joy in feeling nervous, but then going for it anyways. (Hi! I’m Glennon Doyle now!) A little anxiety early on means that you care, and caring is nice.
I would love to write a “how to date through the anxiety” listicle and give you all the wisdom and tips about how to act cool, but let’s be real, I am no subject matter expert. Instead, I’m going to share a few reasons why I think it’s totally *worth it* to date, flirt, or say “I love you” first, even if you feel some anxiety around it.
1. Practicing Vulnerability is Good
Dating aside, vulnerability is a requirement for life. Asking for a raise, seeking out a therapist, trying to figure out if you’re the only one of your friends who have had HPV (you’re not)… it all takes vulnerability. When I started going on all those dates in New York for the podcast, I was convinced that I was unlovable, and that there was little point to opening up anymore. But the biggest thing my dating Rumspringa gave me was a newfound sense of confidence. Not “I’m so good at dating” confidence — lol I never was, never will be — but, “I will survive opening up” confidence. Yes, some dates got me down and made me feel even more insecure, but practicing open myself up over and over to romantic judgment from a stranger was honestly v helpful for my general confidence.
2. You’ll Feel Proud of Yourself
Opening up is hard. Like, really hard. But, I think it’s nice to do hard things, because I get to feel really proud of myself afterwards. I’m not above scheduling a post-difficult conversation treat for myself. Don’t want to chicken out next time the “exclusive” talk comes up? Promise yourself a trip to that fancy grocery store with the $15 smoothies. (Looking at you, Erewhon!)
3. You Might #Inspire a Friend
Embarking on a dating quest is better when you have the support and understanding of a friend. (@Liza, looking at you now!!!) Of course, you do need to be dating right now, or ever, but if you’re looking for some connection, enlist a friend and share the anxieties of it all together. It’s scary, but things always feel less scary when you have a friend doing them, too.
4. Something Really Great Might Happen
Probably the best reason to challenge your anxiety is that something really great could happen. (Note that I did not say “push through” your anxiety — sometimes you need to sit in it and take care of yourself!) Whether you learn something about yourself, meet an amazing person, or simply become a bit more confident of a human, navigating your relationship with anxiety by challenging it can feel really, really great.
Now that I have gone full Tony Robbins, let’s wrap this up with Consumption Corner. Thank you for being here — comment with your thoughts on navigating anxiety and dating below, bbs.
xx
Kimmy
~*CONSUMPTION CORNER*~
Uh oh… UNTAMED by Glennon Doyle is back in the rotation, Liza is giving it a go.
Better Call Saul is the best show on TV you aren’t watching.
For something soothing… Stanley Tucci’s Searching for Italy
A podcast I love that I am not sure if I have recommended yet… Keep It!
This interview with Tayshia Adams, former Bachelorette, is so good.
Wow Kimmy! This came at the perfect time for me, I’ve been really dealing with anxiety (Mostly also because of the pandemic really backtracking my social skills) And it feels so good to hear someone share vulnerably about dealing with similar things, plus I really needed to hear that advice about not pushing it away, taking care of yourself and challenging it when you can!! Ugh so many feels thank you 🙏