Debunking Dating Myths
On Paul Bunyan, the stories we tell ourselves, and roasting it all
Hi! Welcome to our weekly feelings party. Thank you for being here. We feel very lucky to have you. Oh… what’s that? Not subscribed yet? We’d be *honored* if you’d consider subscribing. Maybe think of it as investing in our quest to be feelings #influencers, except that it requires zero capital, just an email handle? No pressure. But also… TYSM!!!
Hi gems,
A warm, Wednesday welcome to you all! Kimmy, here. Though based on that greeting, you’re probably picturing a kindergarten teacher wearing “trousers.” I promise it’s me, just in a weird mood today (and always). Anyways, good news: Liza will be back next week to give you a rest from my obsession with alliteration and unstoppable self-indulgence.
Speaking of self-indulgence, this week, we’re talking about the stories we tell ourselves. Or rather, the myths we tell ourselves in dating, relationships, and, um, most other corners of life. I’m talking about the internalized narratives that we replay habitually, sans thought, like an episode of Arrested Development before bed. (Nighttime shows are a truly grotesque habit of mine. I am a lady with terrible sleep hygiene. Put my phone on my pillow and let me snuggle it!!!)
But, I digress. These myths are truly the worst. Even though we are capable, powerful baddies, and we might even believe that we are capable, powerful baddies, most of us convince ourselves that we are incapable, powerless, non-baddies on a regular basis. We love to tell ourselves tall tales. (Women and female-identifying folks are especially skilled at this!)
Why Are Tall Tales So Compelling?
Remember Paul Bunyon? Quintessential beefy American and sometime roadside attraction? This giant lumberjack’s whole legacy is that he ate 50 pancakes-a-minute while digging the Grand Canyon with his BFF, a blue Ox named Babe. (Or something like that.) While big B’s story is obvious folklore, its origins are rooted in tiny nuggets of reality. I’m sure there were many bearded men digging in American back in the day. I’m sure they ate many pancakes. I’m sure they had beards. (I’m also sure I could research this, but that is not our brand here at Precious Gems.)
And so this tale, which, reminder, involves a *blue* ox, gets passed down, and slowly acquires a certain type of power. (The type of power that yields giant statues in Minnesota.) Another version of this narrative building happens with conspiracy theories. When you take a kernel of truth and stretch it, even if you *know* it’s not true, a part of you might start to believe it. (OK, I ADMIT IT. I believe in Paul B.)
We’re all guilty of Paul Bunyon-ing ourselves, except that we don’t usually exaggerate our pancake-eating strengths. Instead, we destroy ourselves for very human, forgivable things. For example, my own tall tale: “Kimmy is a bridge troll who doesn’t deserve love or success because she has made mistakes in her life including that speeding ticket she got in 2007. She also eats too many cookies and picks her split ends; she sucks!”
How’s that for an internal monologue? Not great, Bob! (er, Paul!)
This kind of thinking is unproductive, unnecessary, and frankly, exhausting. But it’s also understandable — we’ve all had real, sometimes painful experiences in our lives that have contributed to these narratives.
Um, Cure Me?
So what do we do about these stories? First, therapy. Second, let me recommend an expert, Amy Chan, who we had on the podcast this week. She does excellent work around these “tall tales.” Her book, Breakup Bootcamp, is very helpful in shifting inner-narratives and navigating “recycled pain.” 11/10 recommend.
Last week on Instagram, in our “Friday Feelings” series… *record scratch*… LOL, it is absolutely not a series, I apologize for making it sound like we are creating digital art, gearing up to sell an NFT. Also, alliteration again. Sry.
Anyways... last week on IG, we asked you to share the myths you all tell yourselves around dating that you *know* are not true, but have trouble *not* believing. I will reply to them on Instagram, but I will also reply to some of them here. I won’t be giving real advice, because, clearly, I am a mess, but I (hope) I will be providing a space for some commiseration.
We may not be able to totally rewrite the narratives we tell ourselves without the help of some major therapy, but at least we can acknowledge that they are myths and take some power away from them.
Basically, I am going to roast the myths you tell yourselves.
Welcome to the Myth Roast
Myth: “No one’s ever going to want to stay with me long term.”
Oh baby, we’re high-maintenance, we’re moody, and sometimes, we even toot in our sleep! CHRIST. No one is every going to want to stay with us, right?! WRONG.
Let’s start by flipping this one on its head: have *you* met anyone you want to stay with long term? I mean really long term, toots and all? (And no, that rush you get when that softboy texts you is not a long-term goal.)
Here’s the thing: it’s really hard to find someone you want to be around for a seriously long time. “Forever” and “marriage” are WILD concepts. I love my friends deeply, but it’s even hard to think about promising “be with” any of them long term. Life evolves, things change, we’re all human!
This is where we get to roast the stupid narrative we’re told since birth, that it’s so easy and natural to find “your person.” It. Is. Not. And if you’re looking around at all the couples in your life as evidence it should be easier, I promise you that they don’t all want to be with each other forever. I would bet that a whole lot of them are Paul Bunyan-ing themselves, telling themselves their relationships are better than they are, because they are scared to be alone.
Here’s the good news: you’re not afraid to be alone. This means that while you may tell yourself myths about no one wanting to be with you forever, you’re not going to start telling yourself myths about a relationship that’s not working out. You have “high” standards in that you want someone who’s going to love you unconditionally, and that’s an excellent thing.
So, yes, it’s true that not everyone is going to want to stay with you long-term, but that’s a really good thing. There will be a person, or maybe even more than one person, who digs everything about you (even your toots). It’s just really hard to find them. It’s not about you not being enough, it’s about there being too many GD people in this world. That’s something we can actually fact check.
OK, hoping 30% of that made sense. On to the next one…
Myth: “I’m too fat to ever be someone’s first choice.”
This is an incredibly vulnerable thing to share, and it breaks my heart, then boils my blood. Western culture equates body size and amount of love deserved, and it is a complete and total myth that has snowballed into a belief system for so many people.
I learned from queen Kara Loewentheil’s Instagram that studies show that women have a negative thought about their body about once every half hour they are awake. This is not normal, nor should it be. We’re socialized to hate our bodies. There are industries built around us loathing our bodies. We’re wired to think that only one body type gets to be worshipped, wanted, and worthy of love. This is a false narrative, and it is so engrained in all parts of society, it can feel impossible to correct. But I promise that the people we date, or at least, the people we *should* date, will love our bodies no matter what. They will also love our personalities, our passions, our selves, too.
The people you date who are cruel about body size are deeply insecure and buying into a societal ideal they may not even believe. F*ck everyone who makes you feel badly about your body, even for an instant.
Myth: “If you don’t find someone in your twenties, you’ll never find someone.”
OK, I will buy into part of this narrative for brief moment: mathematically, if more and more people pair off each year of our lives, then yes, finding someone in our thirties might be incrementally harder than finding someone in our twenties. Which would mean that by numbers only, we have the most romantic options in our teens and early twenties. But if I met someone in my teens, or even most of my twenties, I would have blown that up by now anyways. I was a monster who had no concept of how to treat others or how she wanted to be treated, and I am still learning.
If we’re talking supply and demand, fine, dating gets trickier as we get older. But, the lives we have lived in the meantime mean that the relationships we do find will be infinitely better. Reminder that Kamala Harris met her man Doug at 49. Gabrielle Union met Dwayne Wade when she was 42. Barbra Streisand met James Brolin at 56.
Lives can be full of joy without being in a relationship, but society doesn’t like to let us believe that.
I love you. Here whenever you need us.
xx
Kimmy
Consumption Corner
The Great!!!! That’s our only new rec! Watch this show!