T or F: Cupid is a Conspiracy Theorist
Plus, a ~definitive~ ranking of the best and worst candy heart sayings
Hi gems!
Wow, look at that, it’s Monday. How iconic! Love a day that forces you to actually do things off-couch, on-medium-sized-screen (that you didn’t stare at all weekend).
JK, Mondays are trash! The steak fry of weekdays. (Too long, too dry, would prefer any other form of potato/day.) No #MondayMotivation here. Work from that bed if you want to!
Anyways, thank you for subscribing. We are humbled that you think we might have some interesting things to say here; truly generous of you. Without you, we wouldn’t be doing this, and this has been fun so far.
P.S., it’s Kimmy here for our inaugural newsletter. And while unfortunately there will be no J.Lo “let’s get looooud” riff at this inauguration, I will try to bring that monochromatic, “woo democracy,” fancy lady coat energy throughout.
Now let’s do some takes on V Day, conspiracy theories, and candy hearts.
FMK
Let’s start this week off in truly sophisticated fashion… with a “F*ck, Marry, Kill” of “holidays” that are stupid:
Valentine’s Day
New Year’s Eve
Super Bowl Sunday
It feels important to say that were it not the day after the Super Bowl, I would not include SBS on this list. (Alternatives include: St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, etc.)
Personally, I would:
KILL Valentine’s Day: Truly inhumane, has tortured me my whole life (see below)
F*CK New Year’s Eve: When it’s good, it’s the best, but other times… meh
MARRY Super Bowl Sunday: I have zero interest in football, despite my Boston upbringing, however, buffalo chicken, nachos, and seven-layer-dip are all things that I would marry
Liza and Carlynne also share their FMKs in this Tuesday’s podcast episode, and let me tell you, their takes are better. What are your holiday FMKs? Please do comment.
FVD
Why am I invoking Valentine’s Day a full week early? I know, so rude, apologies. I just have so many feelings! (Plus, our next newsletter comes out in a week, and V Day talk on February 15th would be sociopathic.)
I know that “V Day sux” is a solidly unoriginal take. But unfortunately, it’s my take. If you like Valentine’s Day, I’m sorry, we are just not the same, and that’s OK. Here’s chalk in the form of a heart that reads, “luv u” as a peace offering.
Net-net, celebrating love is a good thing, but this particular holiday has made me feel “less than” too many times. Reclaim it? No thanks, I’d prefer to burn it down. I’m a bitter betch.
You may also be thinking that I shouldn’t complain, and you are correct. 28 out of 32 years of my life, I too have eye-rolled people in relationships who grovel about Valentine’s Day. But while I am very grateful for the support of my BF, especially in a year where I have been a selfish, neurotic little gremlin, I feel a deep allegiance to the anti-Valentine’s Day sentiment. I hope you’re OK with me having a quick vent.
My history with February 14th is long and stupid, but isn’t all of ours? It started out adorably enough, with elementary school parties. The candy ruled, but the anxiety around deciding which Rugrats valentines to address to the boys in class did not. Giving James a “Be Mine” Valentine and having him think I had a crush on him (I did!!!) would be an epic nightmare. (Unsurprisingly, I continued to pretend not to like people I was probs in love with throughout my twenties.)
Cut to: me, 26-years-old, crying, convinced that the dude I was seeing lied to me about being out of town for Valentine’s Day because his location didn’t change on a dating app. God, I’m cool.
And it’s not just the corporate energy of this “holiday”; I get how capitalism works. V day forces us to contemplate our relationship status, even if we’re far too young to even be in a romantic relationship.
Of course, most people do not give the ol’ 2/14 so much power. (Be like them!) Frankly, I just can’t stand the fact that a random day in the dreariest month of the year has shamed me into feeling badly about being single over the years, even the years when I wasn’t even looking for a relationship.
QPID
Which leads me to my not-entirely-thought-out take of the week: Valentine’s Day is a big, fat conspiracy theory. Diapered Cupid is to February 14th as the horned “shaman” is to January 6th. One shoots arrows, the other did a violent insurrection, both have ridiculous costumes.
Sorry, I have developed an unfortunate fascination with cults, conspiracy theories, and QAnon in quarantine. While I’m genuinely astonished that so many people believe that Democrats are casually eating babies (though Armie Hammer isn’t doing us any favors), I’ve also realized that for years, I have been a conspiracy theorist about men who didn’t want to date me.
More times than I’d like to admit, I’ve done the, “He said he’s not ready for a relationship because he’s taking the LSATs” followed by the, “He’s applying to schools right now, so he can’t reply to my texts” and finally, the, “Well, he’s engaged, but, he still texts me, so…”
I was a Qpid-level expert at moving goalposts, despite being confronted with evidence that the dude(s) simply did not want to get serious with me. No baby angel ever came down and shot them in the butt with a heart. I replayed every detail in my head, wondering where I had gone wrong, until reality finally set in — it wasn’t meant to be.
I won’t turn this into a New Yorker article (mostly because I can’t), but the internet says that conspiracy theories are mechanisms that humans sometimes use to rationalize things that are difficult to comprehend… ahem, COVID, love, rejection.
While the overlords of Valentine’s Day may not be politically motivated, the day is centered on the myth that being in a relationship somehow makes you special. And we all buy into this, despite how easily this theory is debunked. (So many un-special people are in relationships! You know them, they’re on your IG feed!)
Relationships are not requisite to have a great, fulfilling life, full stop.
Three Ways to F*ck with V Day Right Back
In my “research” for this newsletter, I came across an old French Valentine’s tradition called, “une loterie d’amour” — basically, medieval Bachelor in Paradise.
Yes, once upon a time, single French people lined up in the streets and called out the name of the person they wanted to pair off with. The women who did not “match” with anyone went to big bonfires, where they burned pictures of the men who rejected them while shouting insults at the sky. Eventually, the tradition got so buck wild that France had to ban it.
But if bonfires aren’t your thing, I would:
Skip out on Instagram for the day — no need to find out which of your friends are boring enough to post flowers as some kind of proof of their worth
Gift yourself something lavish — the ultimate antidote to the “Hi! You’re not in a romantic relationship? No presents for you!” — I’m talking omakase, frothy champagne, an edible with a pint of Jeni’s as a chaser
Have feelings — anger, ambivalence, JOY, whatever — being single doesn’t mean you need to be sad today; get drunk on your couch, watch a movie you love, send a bouquet of flowers to a single friend
And if there’s someone you wish you were and who this day makes you think of, ask yourself, to quote Carlynne, “Are they worth a lasagna?” As in, would you spend time making a lasagna for them? No? Not even scrambled eggs? Thank u, next.
Real Quick Tho, Lemme Rank Candy Heart Sayings
TBH, I had no idea how many candy heart sayings were out there, so I’ll give you my top five and bottom five. A few honorable mentions include this one from the original batch of Neccos that read: “WHY IS A STYLISH GIRL LIKE YOU A THRIFTY HOUSEKEEPER?” and a classic from the ‘90s: “FAX ME.”
The Best:
U R HOT: Forward, bold, would make Paris Hilton proud
CHARM ME: Literally all I want is to be charmed
U R A TIGER: This is from 2007, but it’s weird and I like it
BE TRUE: …or I will cut you (yup, I’m a Scorpio)
BE MY FRIEND: Because friends need luv on V Day too!!!
The Worst:
HIGH FIVE: The friend zone of candy hearts
FIRST KISS: If you want to smooch me, just do it already
BE MINE: I AM NOT YOUR PROPERTY
WINK WINK: One wink would be fine, two winks is just creepy
SOUL MATE: Doesn’t exist
Consumption Corner
A gem of a podcast listener, Isadora, let us know that it would be great if our regular podcast Consumption Corner recommendations were documented somewhere, so we will be including them in this newsletter for you. But, because you’re a special, subscribed gem, we’ll also share some additional ~exclusive~ recommendations.
This week…
Carlynne watched Soul; there were feels
Liza is digging Drag Race UK (no shockers here)
Liza’s also deeply invested in Better Call Saul, which could be… better than Breaking Bad?!
Kimmy wants you to learn about the crack epidemic and how bad of a person/president Reagan was in this myth-busting documentary on Netflix
Kimmy also NEEDS you to check out Jessie Ware’s delightful podcast, co-hosted by her mother, in which they host celebs for dinner and discuss all things food, family, and Table Manners (Mark Ronson, Elizabeth Olsen, John Legend, Riz Ahmed, Kylie Minogue are all great eps)
THE BRITNEY DOCUMENTARY ON HULU! More to come…
OKAY. If you are not great at cooking, but want to get better, I highly recommend the “nom nom paleo” app — it’s so very easy to use whilst cooking, and the recipes are truly delicious, even as a non-paleo — it does cost a few dollars, but it’s very worth it — there are amazing features that allow you to create shopping lists, keep your phone from locking while you cook, and more
I AM CONSUMING THIS NON-CAFFEINATED TEA AND I LOVE IT, it tastes like a treat and doesn’t keep me up all night
Abby Govindan trolling the world, pretending to be the creator of Emily in Paris on Twitter, is the best thing to happen on the internet this week
Okay! We did it. Love you all very much. We’d be so grateful if you would share this with a friend, post on your IG story, or email it your mom. (Is that weird?)
And tune into the pod tomorrow for a very fun, Liza-ships-a-vibrator-at-UPS story, best and worst V Day sagas, and more!
THANK YOU!
xx
Kimmy and Liza