Hi gems,
Missed you. C’est moi, Kimmy. Thanks so much for being patient with my delinquent bum. I was going *through* it, baybee! But we’ll talk about that a little later. I hope you’re having a great or good or mediocre week. (Especially as the world continues to be a cruel, upsetting place.) But if you’re not having a nice time this week, maybe this letter will be a cute little reminder that you’re not alone, it’s OK to not be OK, and IMO, sometimes, margarita tears are wellness.
AND with that series of phrases, I am officially exuding more cheugy vibes than a piece of Home Goods kitchen decor. Honestly, cancel me, I deserve it.
But, in some seriousness, no matter who or what has got you down, it’s going to be okay, because it has to be, and I’m going to tell you why.
Tl;dr: we have very little control over certain bad things that happen and it sucks.
We’re going to get into grief, and I’m going to touch on mine, then pivot to grief as it relates to relationships and situationships and friendship breakups and lost jobs, because you don’t want to read about death, it’s almost the weekend. But I also want to be honest with you all, because you subscribed to this newsletter and that is really f*cking nice of you.
Plus, sometimes it’s nice to know that other people are having a crap time, too. I feel that way every Sunday when I watch Mare deal with every possible form of tragedy in Easttown. Pass me a Rolling Rock, Helen! (Could also crush a hoagie rn.)
Grief is aggressively on my mind because last week was bookended by two Sundays that I found to be quite *rude*: one being Mother’s Day, and the other being the fourth anniversary of the day my mom died.
Here’s how it went:
Me: Fourth anniversary? I know the drill by now! I can totally have a normal and productive and pleasant week, surrounded by my family. I’ll be fine!
Narrator: She was not fine.
Last week, my family came to town to visit, all jacked up on Pfizer and Moderna. We had a nice vacation planned, we went to nice places, and I posted a nice photo dump of our activities. (Aspirational Gen Z forever.) But of course, my Instagram was not ~reality~. Thinking about it, I probably posted because I was so sad our week of celebrating my mom didn’t go entirely as planned, but I wanted everyone to *think* it did. Actually, I think I just wanted to think it did. (Why am I like this?)
This admission of my absolute and total IG fraud does not change the fact that I really love my family and feel so deeply grateful they crossed the country to spend time with me. Grief is just impossibly complicated, and not always in the ways you think it will be.
Without getting into detail, there was some intense backsliding into grief on all of our parts. It was difficult, and I think it surprised us all. Whether it was the pandemic, the fact that sadness never goes away, or the calendar date, being reminded our one-time family of four is now a family of three sucks. The dynamic has shifted, not in all bad ways, but in ways that forever remind you there is someone missing.
I say this knowing that in some ways, I was very lucky in how I got to say goodbye to my mom. I say this thinking about the innocent children who have died across the globe this week, the kind of loss you can’t fathom. A wild comparison to make, I know. 10/10 don’t recommend comparing your loss to others’, but, I have a point (maybe). The reality of children dying hurts so much that I have been avoiding the news. I have also been avoiding my own grief because the reality hurts so much — I just want to call my mom. But take it from me, avoidance is not a good plan! It is not ideal, especially when dealing with loss on a personal level. (Avoiding doomscrolling is OK!)
Which brings me to other kinds of grief that, if you’re like me, you may not think are important enough to feel, but that I really think you should. Losing my mom did not make me embarrassed by the time I choke-sobbed over my first kiss. It did not invalidate the feelings I had when I thought the world was ending because I didn’t get a job. Navigating this acute of a loss has actually made me feel the opposite — net-net, I think it’s healthier to feel the things and get them out. Even if they seem small. Even if it’s really uncomfortable in the moment.
Of course, there are limits to this. Don’t scream at your neighbor for blocking the driveway. (Truly hard for me!) Clearly, I’m no professional. (Our Better Help code is firstdates !!!)
But let’s say you were just ghosted by someone, and you feel embarrassed for being really sad about it. Similar to my wild Mom-Middle East loss comparison, there’s no meter for what you’re allowed to be upset about other than your own experience. You only went on three dates? So what?! Have a good cry over margaritas with a friend. People get married after that many dates and brag about it. Oh, you sent a drunken angry text? Not ideal, but hey, that person was sh*tty to you. Grief and sadness are complicated, and beating yourself up about your dark feelings doesn’t help anyone.
That said, once you have the dark feeling or act on it, you should definitely examine those behaviors with a professional. Grief and sadness are not get out of jail free cards. I have recently learned that I still need to be talking about the loss of my mom so that I can show up for other people in my life at my best.
But I still think having the dark feeling is OK. Having the dark feeling allows you to identify potential solutions. Having the dark feeling also allows you to reflect on the parts of your life that are really important to you, and that you’re grateful for, including your own strength. There’s nothing like the relief at the end of a big, fat cry to remind you that you survived whatever sadness felt so insurmountable you were holding it in. You can survive anything, and that resilience is something to be grateful for.
Welp, cool. This has become the cheugy-est, most un-Gen Z thing imaginable, but I’m going to go with it. I shared my dark feeling! Thank you for listening. Always here to listen to yours <3 (I promise next week will be fun and uplifting!)
And now… consumption corner!
I’ll start with a treat that was not mentioned on the pod, but that I will certainly be talking about next ep, because if you made it this far, you earned it.
WATCH HACKS RIGHT NOW. IT IS SO GOOD. IT IS ON HBO MAX.
Also, WATCH ZIWE RIGHT NOW. Use the Showtime free trial. She just baited Andrew Yang into coming on…
Obviously, Mare.
And SNL’s Murdur Durdur.
Top Chef, always. (I’m on S13, it’s on Hulu.)
Liza read The Bell Jar (ahem, overacheiver, luv u)
Until next week, bbs! TYSM.