Ranking the Celeb Couples du Jour
Because we all could use something light and fluffy right now
Hi gems,
Kimmy, here. Hope you’re hanging in there. I will not lie to you… I am not!!! (She says, as though she ever opens this newsletty with an “I’m THRIVING, gems!”)
With the Delta variant, melting planet, and self-inflicted, embarrassingly LA diet I decided to do this week, I am crumbling under an ever-deepening sense of dread and hanger. (I NEED A CHIP! And a marg! And a vaccine mandate!)
In short, I am a mess. Which is why instead of opining on anything deep, I want to dive into the extremely horny, weird 2021 celebrity couple energy permeating locales from Las Vegas to Capri. From Bennifer 2.0 to Kravis to CHRISHELL AND JASON from Selling Sunset, there are lessons to be learned, music videos to be remade, and Mediterranean coastlines to envy.
I think my fascination with this moment in celebrity romance stems less from the individual parties involved, and more from the increasingly blurred lined between what’s true luv and what’s being put on for the cameras.
Ben and Jen seem to be hot for each other, but they’re also both actors. Chrishell and Jason could easily be performing for us (or Netflix). Kourtney and Travis love each other, but are obviously leveraging their sexual chemistry for Instagram engagement. It used to be that there were two kinds of celeb relationships, private, real ones and overtly public, fake ones. Now, all bets are off. Someone could write a thesis on this. (And it must include a case study on Issa Rae’s casual “I got married, here’s my boo” drop on the IG grid.)
So let’s rank some of the recent celebrity couples
12. Renee Zellweger and Ant Anstead
This couple gets last place for being too close to the weird, incestuous web of real estate reality star relationships. For those of you who don’t waste all of your time following gossip blogs (bless you), Ant Anstead was married to Christina from HGTV’s Christina on the Coast from 2018-2020, and prior to that, Christina was married to Tarek El Moussa, HGTV bro, who is now engaged to Heather from Selling Sunset. What is happening here? And Renee, what are you doing here? You’re an Academy Award winner.
11. Adele and Rich Paul
This is selfish/unfair of me, but I want her to date a normie, not the Ari Gold of basketball. Sue me.
10. Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles
I’m a little bit sick of them, I’m a little bit jealous of Olivia, and I’m a little bit sad for Jason Sudeikis. But all in all, they’re fine.
9. Chrishell Stause and Jason Oppenheim
I’m not mad about this Selling Sunset pairing, but I also don’t get it. Jason was the lil’ bald twin who so obviously was obsessed with Mary, who he dated prior to the Netflix series. Either way, next season of Selling Sunset should be a banger.
8. Drake and Johanna Lei
I mean, honestly, happy for them. I love that a random helicopter caught them having dinner at Dodger stadium. Drake will never not be lolz to me.
7. Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker
A month ago, I was into their hyper-sexual, obsessed-with-each-other energy, but it’s starting to get… slightly stale?! Like, where do they go from here? A sex tape?
(Update: the answer is, a haircut — Kourtney let Travis cut her hair and posted it on Instagram. I’m… le bored.)
6. Michael B Jordan and Lori Harvey
This couple is so hot, I wish they’d post more Kravis-type content. They also seem very much in love, because this relationship did not start out very publicly. Also, it’s just amazing that MBJ ended up with Steve Harvey’s daughter, the man who wrote Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Being open to having Steve Harvey as your FIL one day = true love.
5. Kat Dennings and Andrew WK
You know when a random pairing just makes total sense? Like french fries dipped in a Wendy’s Frosty? That’s Kat Dennings and Andrew WK for me. Rooting for them.
4. Rihanna and A$AP Rocky
They’re age-appropriate (33 and 32), long-time friends, and their New York PDA is adorable without generating skepticism (a la Bennifer). I really love this couple and only ever want what’s best for newly-minted RHONY fan Rihanna. Give us EVERYTHING, please. (Including a new album!)
3. Bennifer
A strategically planned relationship beyond Kris Jenner’s wildest dreams that I must stan. I think that Ben and Jen’s theatricality, carefully positioned yacht ass grabs and all, is actually generous to the rest of us. They are giving us the content we need! This is such a fun throwback to the early aughts days of Juicy Couture and flip phones, and they seem to have the hots for each other, even if this is all just a lead up to Gigli 2. Being a supporting actor is a good look for Ben, and J.Lo is modeling the post-breakup with cheating ex playbook perfectly, we should all take notes.
2. Jasmin Lawrence and Eric Murphy
Yes, Martin Lawerence and Eddie Murphy’s kids are in love. You’re welcome. (I also love that they seem very grounded for Hollywood kiddos)
1. Issa Rae and Louis Diame
A great reminder you don’t need to flaunt your relationship on IG all the time, congratulations to the coolest couple.
See you all next week! Make sure to subscribe, share, and check out our latest, 200th episode, baby!
We’ll be back next week with Consumption Corner, spoiler on my end: I’m watching a show about yachts and I think it’s perfect.
xx
Kimmy