Dear gems/crown jewels,
Happy Wednesday! Woke up with a back ache, feeling 32. Thank you so much for subscribing and tuning in to this diatribe on feelings around the crown, control, and compromise. Before we get started, this newsletter is still ~free~ and there are three things you can do to help us out that cost $0:
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And now, quick q for you all:
“Were you silent, or were you silenced?”
Maybe the most iconic question since, “to be or not to be?”
If you see what looks to be a small child driving around Los Angeles with a vanity plate that reads “#TEAMMEG” it’s definitely moi, Kimmy, after watching that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry interview you’re probably sick of hearing about. But I’m sorry, I love a collective cultural moment featuring a hard line of questioning. Must discuss.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to attempt to add depth to the conversation surrounding the awful, racist treatment of Meghan and bb Archie by the “institution,” the British tabloids, and, most recently, a very triggered Piers Morgan. The CBS interview speaks for itself, and there are actual journalists facilitating nuanced discourse around this. (Namely, our American matriarch, OPRAH WINFREY.)
However, in truly tacky fashion, I am going to repurpose this revolutionary gift of a question and apply it to us normies and dating: when you think back to relationships that didn’t work out… were you silent, or were you silenced? (*DRAMATIC PAUSE*)
Wow, am I reaching!!! (Full Carrie Bradshaw, “couldn’t help but wonder”-energy.) Let’s see what I can do with this half-baked idea.
What’s the Point of Dating Someone If You Can’t Be Yourself?
While I have never married into a colonialist, royal family who took my passport, license, and keys away, I have definitely dated people who have made me feel more silenced than silent. Specifically, I’ve dated people who made me feel like I had to shut down opinions/feelings/thoughts I had, rather than letting me me figure out when to shut up on my own. (Shoutout to my current roomie, Date 13, who honestly should remind me to be quiet more often.)
As a white woman, I am not comparing my dating experiences to what Meghan faced in regards to her race and mental health struggles. I am also not suggesting being “silent” or “silenced” is binary. (I would say women can also be loud? LOL, see: all of the white women posting on Instagram on International Women’s Day!!!) I also think it’s important to clarify that I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, and that feeling silenced due to threat of physical or emotional violence is nothing to minimize.
I am really just borrowing the best Oprah nugget from a very zeitgeisty interview to force a theme for this week’s newsletter.
In all types of romantic interactions, from serious relationships to casual flings to first dates, there’s a palpable difference between choosing to hold back or be quiet, and someone telling you to hold back or be quiet. It can be as innocuous as “Oh, you’re going to order that IPA? Really?” or as toxic as “I don’t want you hanging out with your male friends anymore.” You can feel it in a person’s energy early on — do they want you to be yourself, or fit their checklist?
Spoiler alert: anyone asking you to shape-shift and bend to their vision of a partner is… not great.
Feeling Silenced is a Dealbreaker
Now, let me force another segue to different programming focused on highly produced, televised weddings (only without the posh hats): Married at First Sight, a show that is having a particularly upsetting season. (I promise I only half watch MAFS, usually while scrolling through TikTok, trying to reverse age.)
For those of you have no idea what I am talking about because you consume more evolved content than me, here’s how the show works. “Experts” match couples who get married at first sight, then navigate the early stages of a relationship together. But this season, each exhaustingly heteronormative couple seems to be grappling with an inflexible and/or controlling dynamic, mostly stemming from the dudes.
Here are the highlights:
One man had a fit because his wife of seven days stayed at a male friend’s house and he wanted her to ask him permission first because he’s older
Another man who is creepily obsessed with the '80s accused his new wife of having a secret boyfriend, despite zero evidence of any such thing
A third dude gets to the honeymoon (day two!), announces that his ex-fiance is SIX WEEKS PREGNANT, and then still makes his new wife feel like she did something wrong
Another guy gets mad when his wife makes a joke and then calls her “mouthy” because she didn’t smile enough while she was making the joke and it offended him
And yet another guy gets angry at his wife for asking him to take a jello shot, then scolds her for liking to party
NONE OF THESE MEN WILL SILENCE THEMSELVES IN THE SLIGHTEST, YET THEY ALL WANT TO QUIET THEIR TV WIVES IN SOME WAY/SHAPE/FORM. It’s not the British monarchy, but it is related to another archaic system that has got to go… the patriarchy.
Tl;dr: if your date or partner is making you feel like you can’t have a jello shot every now and again, dump them.
Feeling Heard is a Dealmaker
This week on the podcast we talk about “The Post-Date Eight,” a list of eight questions from Logan Ury, author and Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. Liza and I both like how this set of questions centers your post-date feelings on how you felt about your date, not about how they might have felt about you, your outfit, or the number of times you got up to go pee.
Specifically, I love the question, “Did I feel heard?” Feeling heard is the green flag to the red flag that is feeling silenced.
While I don’t want to give Harry too much credit, I do want to call out the fact that he clearly listened to and heard his wife, Meghan, when she expressed the gravity of her situation to him. This ginger man heard her so hard that he left his family, his royal duties, his money… I mean, dang. We all deserve our own Prince Harry.
IMO, a very hot person to date = someone who is open to hearing what you need and excited to compromise. That compromise could be as small as choosing a bar for a first date, or as big as choosing what city to live in later on.
None of us should not expect a partner to drop everything for us, but that’s not what happened with Harry and Meghan. Meghan simply found a partner who did not dismiss her, even when it meant making very hard decisions. This should be all of our standard.
OK, so, I definitely pushed that Meghan-Harry-Oprah-MAFS theme out to its limit. I guess I just want us all to remember to check in with ourselves in romantic (and other) relationships more often. “Am I feeling silenced? Even a little bit?! Is someone telling me how to act or feel?” F that.
Tell us what you thought of the interview in the comments!
Love you all, Liza’s back next week!
xx
Kimmy