Date 13 Comes to the Red Table
Date 13 Comes to the Red Table
There's some healing that needs to be done... (with Negronis)
Dear gems,
Kimmy, here. Apologies that this is coming in late. TBH, it feels inane to write a relationship newsletter this week. There is a lot going on. The mass shootings, the guilty verdict in the George Floyd murder that absolutely doesn’t bring him back to life, the killing of teenager Ma’Khia Bryant in Ohio yesterday, and Daunte Wright last week. There are so many injustices cursing through this country, and they are relentless. Thinking and standing in solidarity with the Black community.
Because I am severely under-qualified to speak on the systemic racism in America, I’ll point you to Bree Newsome, an artist and organizer who I am continuously learning from.
And, because this is a feelings newsletter with the goal of perking you up about dating, nonromantic relationships, and life in general, I will attempt to provide some distraction for those of you who might find that sort of thing useful at the moment.
Let’s Do A New Thing
Tonight, this distraction comes in the form of an “interview” with the person I live with and who regularly nags me for picking my nails (well, skin around my nails #anxiety). A man who, despite how gross of a thumb-picker I can be, has graciously agreed to let me ask him a few questions to put on the internet. (I also asked him to make us Negronis for the occasion. I am, undoubtedly, a monster.)
My idea is to ask him some questions I would have loved to ask a gentleman when I was dating and regularly self-flagellating for doing things like sending a text first (horrifying) or cackling too aggressively (always). Things I would have liked to know when I was in my “I’ll pretend to have seen Full Metal Jacket so you think I’m sophisticated” dating days.
I hope to debunk some heteronormative dating myths and rules, but honestly, who tf knows how this will go?
To be “radically” transparent, this “interview” is stemming from my inability to come up with a topic for this week and my deep love for a good celebrity profile in a glossy magazine. (Recent fave: this Amanda Gorman interview by Doreen St. Felix in Vogue.) I truly feel high just thinking about combing through my Nana’s stacks of Vanity Fair as a child — feeling myself mature with every page turn, every Hollywood murder detail digested, every Clinique Happy perfume sample rubbed on my wrist. (In hindsight, maybe I was high on those fumes...)
It must also be stated that we’re chatting with one man here, and not all men, women, or nonbinary people feel the same about dating. But you know that already, of course. (Sry, just being my true monster self again!!!)
The Grilling of A Generous Man
Profile by THIS BETCH
Date 13 greets me with a Negroni at the Red Table/unmade bed I’ve been typing in all evening. As I thank him for the superb looking cocktail, he breathes a deep sigh, “I cut myself with the paring knife slicing the orange.” As he tilts his head, he adds, “I didn’t want to keep you waiting, sorry.” Suddenly, I feel supreme guilt! I offer to postpone, but he insists his neon green bandage is doing the trick.
“Freshly showered and freshly wounded” (those are his words, now that I’ve told him the piece is for Vanity Fair), we settle in with our busted thumbs for a conversation about… um, we’ll see…
Did you think it was weird that I hasn’t been in a serious relationship before?
“A little,” he says.
[I pause the interview to set him straight/become irrationally insecure.]
Then, why are you with me?
“Because you’re worth it.”
[I tell him he has to say something better.]
“If you find the right person, it doesn’t matter. If you like them enough and they like you, all of that stuff is of no circumstance.”
What would you think if your date didn’t offer to pay?
“I wouldn’t care; it’s never expected,” he shares. “I think [not paying] makes it harder to go on fun dates and date like you should. It’s expensive.” He estimates it cost him an “extra $1,000 a month” to date…
[UM. I grill him about who/what/where/when he was spending that $1,000 on…]
“It’s easy to spend when the date’s fun, it’s harder to drop your credit card when the date is awful.”
What would you think if a person you were dating sent you a “thank you” text after a first date?
He’s not sure why this would ever be a problem, unless he was still waiting for his cab or Uber home and already had received a text, because, that would be “creepy.”
“Let me get home first,” he says. But a simple thank you is “not a turn off.”
Would someone going home with you after a first date be a dealbreaker for an eventual relationship?
“No, it has nothing to do with how I would see that person for a potential relationship or not,” he shares. “It’s all the other things leading to that moment that would help me know if I wanted to get into a relationship.”
What is a dealbreaker on a first date?
“Someone who doesn’t listen. If they spend the whole time talking about themselves.”
What was a dealbreaker with me when we were dating?
“That you were dating other people, pretty deep into our relationship, and I knew you were moving.”
[Oops. We’ve got a live one!]
Would you care if a woman asked you out on a second date?
“Not at all; it would be a relief. It would be welcomed,” he says. “Guys go through just as much anxiety about rejection as women do. No one wants to be the person to get told ‘no.’”
[I start fishing, hard…]
Did you ever go on a date with an objectively hot person, then decline a second date?
“Yes, if they were boring or had nothing going on in their lives.” He thinks that, “with dating apps, by the time you get on the date, you already think that person is attractive, so it’s really more about connection and personalities.”
[I tell him I need him to say something more prophetic to end the “profile”…]
What would you say to someone who felt like they would never find someone? Like I felt?
He is genuinely shocked that I felt like I would never find someone (um… I have shared this with him and the internet multiple times). He thinks that my anxiety around meeting someone was more about me, not about my dating skillset or my worthiness of love. “The person across from you is doing the exact same thing, going through the exact same anxieties, they are there because they want to meet someone.”
So… maybe the moral of the story is that we should all just be as confident as men? Fake it ‘til we make it? It all feels so simple and straightforward, and I love this man so dearly, but I can’t help but resent him for this ease with which he views much of dating. Le sigh…
But in all honestly, I really hope some of these matter-of-fact responses to my interrogation provide you with a *little* solace.
In the end, this monster of a woman who thought she’d never end up with someone found a dude willing to make Negronis, deal with thumb challenges, and be grilled, all on a random Wednesday. Anything is possible.
Love you all very much, let us know how Liza and I can be more helpful/share the right things in this newsletty!
ALSO, alert: genuinely desperate for you all to share with friends and/or recommend this newsletter if you enjoy it! We would be obsessed. We would be grateful. We would be indebted!!! (Much like I am to my very sweet BF who so kindly let me subject him to this. Luv u!)
CONSUMPTION CORNER
The Nanny ALWAYS
Q: Into the Storm (yes, again, it’s IMPORTANT xoxo)